RIP Paul

Kerry King on Drummers - Joe Nunez couldn't join Slayer because his mother wouldn't let him, Adrian Erlandsson hits his drums like a fag, and Raymond Herrera has no hands.


Why Pokemon Should Replace Health Education In Schools

64% of the American population is classified as Obese. Worldwide over 1 billion people are put down in the "you fat bastard" column. In essence, almost 1/6th of the world are fatties. Maybe if they watched a bit more Pokemon they might shed some pounds, go outside and make some friends.

You may be asking yourself, why is Pokemon the answer to all our health needs. If you are, you are an imbecile. Its plainly obvious. Pokemon promotes exercise, the outdoors and girls who wear short-shorts (a topic for another time, "Why Misty is a massive whore and why she will end up with crack-babies").

People, they're called Pokemon TRAINERS. And who do they train? Pokemon. Whats the show called? Pokemon. Small children will want to be like Ash and that little kid whos name I forget because I lost interest after it started getting weird. Hence they will wait to train "pokemon", running around yelling at little-er children to fly and swim up waterfalls and shoot hyper beams out of their faces and whatnot. They will be collectively exercising. Have you ever seen a fat trainer? no. So as the child runs around training his imaginary friends he'll be simultaneously keeping himself fit, and we'll end up with millions of little buff kids who punch old ladies when their ball goes into their backyard and the lady is all up in their shit like "this is mine now" and the kids like "FUCK YOU" and kicks her in the knee.

Pokemon actively combats obeisity. Whos the fattest pokemon of them all? That dickhead Snorlax. What happens to Snorlax? He gets the crap beaten out of him and then gets trapped in a tiny ball which shoots out red light like its some sort of mini rave. Small children don't like being trapped in small balls (Eddy), contrary to popular belief. Small children also dont like getting the crap kicked out of them by yellow mice and giant rock snakes. The child will not want to end up like Snorlax. They will be encouraged to not be a fat fuck and sleep on roads so people get annoyed and wake them up with a flute that just happens to be the only thing that will wake them up, and not things like punching them in the face or just WALKING AROUND THEM.

Snorlax - Chief Asshole.

So. Why should this riveting franchise which promotes children to run outside and encourages them not to be fat road-blocking assholes replace the current health system?

Simple. The current health system is fucking boring.

Pokemon studies. Preferably on GBA with Pokemon Red, Blue, Gold and Silver; accompinied by eipsodes of the first few seasons of the anime. Children will learn about the advantages of living a healthy lifestyle whilst also being engaged, and also whilst getting to beat the fuck out of imaginary monsters instead of their family pet (or if their pet "went to the farm", the foreign kid at school). Hey, I'm sure theres even a couple of kids that learnt about sex from Pokemon (The "I" and "O" Unown, Jynx (for kids into that). After spending time on the GBA it is taken from them, and they are then released unto the world where they act out their happy lives and dream their dreamy dreams. Albeit there will be a small few who have massive withdrawal syptoms and will have to be carefully weaned off of electronic handheld gaming with electroshock and small amounts of cocaine. But those who are strong of mind and weak of thumbs will be able to rise above it all and become better people.

And then when they get to 15 they'll get bored of Pokemon and lose interest, and thus the cycle is complete. They will move on to other forms of exercise like running from the police and trying to hide their innate fear of peaches by jogging. Pokemon will have carried them through the tough years of childhood and taught them the valued lessons of punching fat lazy people who sleep in roads and running around trapping animals in tiny balls. And all will be well in the world.

We can dream...


Holy Crap

People still use these things?

and in the interest of making this a worthwhile post:

Your welcome.